Sorceress Ultimecia~re-do~

[franviera]

Ultimecia was walking around her castle in the future and as she was walking around her minions got bored of being guarding this castle and they attacked Ultimecia.
"How dare you to attack me? I will have to teach you true fear." yelled she as Sphinxara attacked her. It made her really angry because she didn't keep them for causing a rebellion against her, so she did everything in order to get them.

After the defeat of her first enemy, she headed back to her throne room where the seals are broke again. She went back in time using her Junction Machine Ellone get Adel do the work for her in her castle, but that sorceress did not want to help her at all mostly because she was busy in the past with the Sorceress War. So she tried to seduce another person who would like to tag along. It was a 17 years old young boy whom she didn't even know by name.
Then she took her new minion to her castle in the future.
"Oh, you little boy, come and prove me that you are the Knight of the Sorceress, defeat everyone you see in this Castle in order to protect me." said Ultimecia to the boy.

After everything got normal in her castle, thanks to her new Knight she got back to her room and sat down to her throne and she was surprised to see a portal to appear in her Throne room and also the disappearance of her new Knight. "What the? Why is this portal here? I didn't place it here..." said she and the witch headed to investigate the new portal. What could it be? Why does it appear so sudden? was in the mind of Ultimecia. She was really curious so Ultimecia entered the portal and somehow she got to Balamb Island, where the SeeDs live. "Oh those cursed SeeDs...I should destroy them while they are busy said the sorceress and laughed.

A nice ambush got into the head of Ultimecia and she headed towards the Garden of the cursed SeeDs. "Oh These SeeDs won't get in my way anymore" said she and again she continued it with a laugh. Then she got ready to use one of her abilites called "Hell's Judgement" which did a serious damage to the Garden which still didn't know what attacked them. As Ultimecia headed closer, she sensed another Sorceress in the Balamb Garden, so she possesed that one with ease and she followed the Headmaster's orders in the other way round to cause a problem to the SeeDs and then she could again crush them with a strong attack.

Later Ultimecia got attacked by some SeeD because she got discovered as her possessed girl started to act strange. Sadly in this form she couldn't use her true powers, so she got defeated and the she lost the controll over the girl's body.

"Fine, I'll use my true powers then. Griever come to me, Let me finish the SeeDs once and for all. Playtime is over!... Eternal sleep. TIME COMPRESSION" yelled she but eventually she missed the attack because she wasn't caring too much and the anger towards the SeeDs got her so angry she couldn't care carefully and she destroyed the sealife near to the coasts of Balamb.

"How could this be? " asked she and went back to her castle being angry over this

[rufus]

I am afraid I am going to have deny this audition because of multiple reasons.

For one, the grammar isn't as top notch as it should be for this site. This site is more for intermediate and advanced roleplayers and this writing just doesn't fit with some of the other posts we have on here.

Two, there still isn't much in the ways of personality to personify this character. Sure, there are words to express how she felt at that time, such as surprised, and the way she speaks is well done, but that doesn't delve deeper into what we need to know about her. Someone who reads this needs to understand why she is doing what she is doing, if that makes any sense.

The pacing is much too fast and there isn't enough detail. Focus one event and then possibly give something at the end, such as maybe a cliffhanger, that could then allow a thread to go on and then move on to the next event. But, for right now, there are just too many things going on at once to the point where a reader would be too confused.

This has one denial so far. As you know, this can be accepted if you get two acceptances, and it would need one more denial by a staff member to be ultimately denied once more.

[Reno Sinclair]

Alright, I'm going to have to deny this one as well. I read your previous audition and compared it with this one, I'm not seeing much personality in this whatsoever, it's also very choppy and rushed without details. Though it now meets the word count, it just doesn't seem to maake the cut. Try to avoid rushing things. Time skipping is okay but when it's all over the place the post seems to be a bit scattered. All and all, there wasn't much added from the previous attempt, aside from some added words to boost the word count. Sorry for a second rejection but this just didn't make the cut, definitely some more editing needs to be made, try to capture Ultimecia's thoughts and feelings but don't be so literal about them. Express them and build off of them, that creates personality.

Anyways, this audition has been denied. Sorry.