Angeal Hewley[finished]

[daniloveskoga]

Angeal Hewley~

Angels dream of one thing... To be human

The sound of boots could be heard as the soldier walked though on the terra, he had just left SOLDIER and was branded a traitor. Far from the fort he just been fighting at.He admired the nature around him as he rested near a huge tree.His mind wandered he rested. I wonder if Zacks ok he thought as he looked back to the fort. Then he shook his head as he pushed his worries aside and took the buster sword from his back and laid it upon his legs.Then he reached in his pocket.His hand emerged with his phone he opened it and checked it for the last time. His hand clunched and he crushed the phone the parts of it flew every where. He got to his feet and put the huge sword back on his back.

He began to walk towards the village of Banora , his home town. He had some unfinished business there. When he got there he smiled as he saw a dog went over to it petting it then he remembered he had a job. He walked to the apple juice factory, where he saw Genesis and Zack about to fight. He took his sword off his back and pointed at Genesis. Then he heard Genesis ask him "Could you really live in this world"he said to Angeal as he left. Angeal turned to Zack taking Zack's sword and sticking it in the ground and he said the words"i have to protect my honor" before he ran after Genesis.

His mind racing as he thought about what Genesis said."I will defend my family's honor" As he reached for the sword at his side and drew it running into his old home. He found his mother she was sitting contently in a chair, she didn't even know that he had came in he took his sword and stabbed her. His eyes grew realizing what he had done. the gult swept over him as he ran to her side then as he looked upon her lifeless body sword in hand. Zack ran in and saw what had happened and pushed Angeal in to the wall. As Zack yelled at him about why and how he did this the only thing he could say was."she had no reason to live" He lookd into Zack's familiar blue eyes as a tear formed in his own before he said"and nether do I". Angeal pushed Zack off of him and he picks his sword up then he sheathes it and walks out of the house as he leaves the village.

----------------i think this is good --------------------

[Zack Fair]

Okay...where do I start here? I think I'm going to start on grammar and punctuation. When you write, what you want to do is create a story for us to read. To do that, what you write should flow, and not be hard to read. To be honest, while I was reading this, because of the run-on sentences and lack of grammar, it was extremely hard to follow. What he said, though it was highlighted in a different color, did not have quotation marks for present time. That's one of the first things that need to be present in order to really grasp what's actual dialogue and what's inner. What did have quotation marks, (as in, the past events happening) didn't have any sort of punctuation to tell you what was ending and what was beginning. We understand beginners, and we really do strive to help people become better writers, but that all starts with getting some advice. The run-on sentences need to be cleaned up considerably, in fact, I'm not exactly sure where to tell you to start. Here's an example for you though. In your audition, you wrote, "When he got there he smiled as he saw a dog went over to it petting it then he remembered he had a job." That's a lot of different things happening in one sentence. So instead, try something like this. "The dog he saw when he got to his destination caused Angeal to smile. For an instant he hesitated, before he approached to pet it. Yet he stayed for only a moment until he remembered that he had a job to do, leaving the animal to continue on." Notice how one sentence turned into three?

Another thing too, is that, writing is easier to comprehend when it's written in past tense. Throughout the audition was times when you slipped into present tense, and that gets confusing as all get out. The last line in particular, "Angeal pushed Zack off of him and he picks his sword up then he sheathes it and walks out of the house as he leaves the village." This, in past tense, should be "Angeal pushed Zack off of him, picked up his sword and sheathed it, before he walked out of the house and left the village."

Another thing that we try to discourage is the use of in game events as auditions. I can appreciate the fact that this is a flashback, however, the flashback, which should only be a small portion, is the main focus of the audition. As readers we already know what happened in the game. Really, the entire point of the audition is to make sure that you as a member and writer really know the character that you're applying for. When you do nothing but use a big part of the game, we can't tell if you know the character or if you're simply using the game part to make it seem like you really know the character. So please, avoid this for the future. Along with this, to be technical, there was only one line of dialogue that you actually came up with yourself and wasn't from the game scene. Keep in mind it can be inner dialogue, but you have to actually tell us that it's dialogue. Something like " 'I didn't mean to hurt you....', she thought to herself, a single tear running down her pale cheek." This is an example of inner dialogue.

For the reasons stated above, I'm denying the applications. If you have more questions, please let me know.